I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
