I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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