I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
