Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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