You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
