My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
