Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
