If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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