I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
