saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
