i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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