he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
