I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
