That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
