I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
