shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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