He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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