I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
