Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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