some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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