my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
