I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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