I puked a lego.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
