Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
