i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
