At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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