If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
