i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
