Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
