U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
