Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
