So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
