2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
