i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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