is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
