woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
