Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
