i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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