if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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