Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
