I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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