She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
