You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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