see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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