She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
should my penis look like a turkey
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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