I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
