This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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