I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
