I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
