Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
