Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
